Porn Addiction | Strategies
Finding Motivation To Quit Watching Pornography
Change is hard.
In a world filled with uncertainty, there is one thing you can always count on to make you feel good — porn.
Having a tough day? Bored? Lonely?
Well, escaping into sexual fantasy is always just a click away. You can access pornography anywhere at anytime, on your own, at little to no cost. The best part — you get to stay completely anonymous. Your identity is hidden. You can do this safely in the comfort of your own home. There is no forced social interaction, you do not need to rely on any particular person and no one else needs to know what you are doing. It is your secret to keep.
So, why would anyone willingly give that up?
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
— Henry Ford
What led you to reconsider your relationship with pornography?
Before we commit to making a change, we go through a series of stages. At first we feel conflicted. We may not be fully convinced that pornography is causing us harm and wonder if quitting would improve our lives in any way. If you are feeling unsure and just looking to explore your options, then you might be in the early stages of change and not even realize it.
In treatment, we often use the transtheoretical model to describe the six stages of change that a person goes through when giving up a bad habit, addiction or compulsive behavior.
Stage 1 is precontemplation or the “I don’t have a problem” stage. We over-estimate the benefits of pornography and underestimate its consequences.
Stage 2 is contemplation or the “this is probably a problem and I will deal with it later” stage. At this point we recognize that pornography might be causing us some problems but remain ambivalent about making any changes.
Stage 3 is preparation or the “let me come up with a plan” stage. In this stage, we are strongly considering giving up pornography and are exploring what that may look like and how to make it happen.
Stage 4 is action or the “let’s do it” stage. We are following through with the plans we made. We are using the time that would have been spent looking at porn to do something else that improves our quality of life.
Stage 5 is maintenance or the “keeping up with it” stage. At this point we have stayed away from pornography for over six months. We want to keep it up and prevent relapse.
Stage 6 is termination or reoccurrence. Depending on the person and the circumstance, we may lose interest in pornography all together. Pornography may seem unappealing and there is no desire to go back to it. However, for many of us that is not the case. Relapse is a part of recovery, and it is likely that we will slip up at some point. When setbacks happen we try to get back on track as soon as we can without spending too much time sulking in our guilt and shame.
If you are examining your relationship with pornography, then you are likely in the first or second stage of change. If you are interested in exploring this further, then try out these two self-reflection exercises. They can help you navigate the internal conflict and ambivalence that is preventing you from moving forward.
Exercise 1: Personal Core Values
“Values are like fingerprints. Nobodies are the same, but you leave them all over everything you do.”
— Elvis Presley
Take a moment and ask yourself if you know what your personal core values are. When is the last time that you thought about them? It is actually quite common for us to lose sight of our core values, especially during times of stress or when life gets busy.
What comes to mind when you think of your own personal value?
At the very least, values are basic and fundamental beliefs that guide attitudes or actions. Personal core values are a central part of who you are and who you want to be. Values can change over time for a variety of reasons, however when we lose track of our values, we can be easily influenced by other people or our environment.
Identifying your personal core values can be challenging. However, it’s worth taking the time to figure out so that you can use them as a guiding force to point you in the right direction and to assist you in living life more authentically.
Look up a list of personal core values and see what resonates with you. Or, check out the one below.
Once you find a nice long list of personal values take some time to complete the following steps:
Tip: look up the definition of each value as you sort through them.
Step 1: Pick out 15 of the values that you resonate most with. If you come up with more than 15, narrow it down.
Step 2: Out of those 15 values, take a moment to reflect on its level of importance to you and separate the values based on the following categories: A. Very Important B. Kind of Important
Step 3: Using the above categories, narrow your list of values down to top 10. Rank them according to level of importance.
Step 4: Now narrow the list down to 5 values that you would identify as your top 5 personal core values. I know this is hard, I have done it myself, but give it a try.
Step 5: Reflect on your top 5 values and ask yourself the following questions:
- What do your top 5 values say about you as a person?
- Have your values shifted over time?
- How do these values influence your decisions?
- Can you think of a time that you acted in a way that conflicted with these values?
- How much does your current behavior match these values?
- How does watching pornography fit in with your values?
- Are there any specific values that you want to have, but do not? What is appealing about these? How might your life be different if you lived according to those values?
- What is one thing you can do this week that aligns with your values?
Tip: try journaling your responses.
Exercise 2: Cost Benefit Analysis
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor E. Frankl
Most “bad habits” have short-term benefits. We do them because it feels good in the moment. Getting that instant relief pulls us in, and once we do it enough it can become automatic.
One way to overcome this is by taking closer look at the costs and benefits of viewing pornography. You are doing this for a reason, so what are you getting out of it?
Take a moment to write down as many positive aspects or benefits that pornography gives you.
Great! Now, consider some of the not so great parts of pornography. What are some of the consequences you have experienced? How do you feel afterwards? In what ways does watching porn this limit you? Identify both the short and long-term costs of continuing.
What does your list look like? Do the benefits outweigh the costs? If so, what has to happen for you to reconsider? Where do you draw the line?
If after doing this exercise you find that the costs end up outweighing the benefits, then that can help you find the motivation to make a change. You may want to take a deeper look at your wants and needs and explore different, more effective ways to get them met.
Take this analysis further by examining the pros and cons of quitting pornography. Consider both the short-term and long-term costs and benefits.
How might quitting porn, make your life better? (benefits)
How might quitting porn, make your life worse? (costs)
“The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the power to change anything in your life.”
— Hal Elrod
Hope you found these helpful! Let me know what strategies you have tried and how they worked for you.
