MENTAL HEALTH
When Using Pornography to Relax Backfires
3 signs pornography is making your problems worse, why this happens & what you can do about it
War. Pandemic. Taxes. Group texts. Death. Divorce.
Life is full of tragedy.
With hardship around every corner, relaxation can feel impossible.
Internet pornography is an easy, convenient, highly pleasurable solution — offering instant stress relief free of cost.
So… what’s the problem?
“Mirages distract us until we eventually die of thirst.”
― Marty Rubin
Like most things, pornography is okay in moderation but causes problems if used excessively or impulsively.
Sometimes there is a clear connection between viewing pornography and experiencing an undesired outcome. For example, losing a job after getting caught watching porn at the office.
Other times the consequences are less obvious.
Understanding how problems overlap can make solving them much easier.
What if your procrastination, social anxiety and self-esteem could all be fixed by simply changing one habit?
Sign 1| Chronic Avoidance
What it looks like
After a tough day at work you can’t wait to come home and relax. But when you finally get to your place, you are bombarded with even more “to-dos.” You face a pile of unpaid bills, dirty dishes and an empty fridge. Being too exhausted to address any of it, you choose aimless phone scrolling instead. Inevitably you land on sexually explicit material, which comes as a welcomed distraction from the realities and demands of daily life.
“Escapism is survival to me” — Johnny Depp
Why it happens
Overwhelm is a natural response to living in world full of responsibilities, expectations, and setbacks. Without balance or access to healthier outlets, stress depletes our energy. Focus and motivation dwindle, cynicism creeps in, and performance suffers. Trapped in a negative feedback loop and desperate for relief, we escape to the land of sexual fantasy for temporary solace.
What you can do
Set boundaries to improve your quality of life. The combination of burn out, resentment, and deteriorating self-worth is a sign you are doing too much. By learning to respect personal limitations, you will gain the time and energy to create a life worth being present for.
Reflect on your relationship with work, loved ones, and yourself. Are you self-sacrificing to avoid conflict with others? How is this impacting your quality of life? What can you do to carve out more time for yourself?
Use thought/feeling logs to learn about your triggers. Some days the urge to escape is mild and manageable, while other times it’s all consuming. Insecurities, unwanted memories, and strong negative emotions increase vulnerability and lower defenses. Building self-awareness is the first step for creating change.
Reflect on the last few times you used pornography to alleviate stress. What happened that day? How were you feeling? What was on your mind?
Examine emotional needs to get to the root of the problem. Needs motivate and drive all human behavior. When they are met, we think clearly and progress towards long-term goals. Unmet needs feel unsettling. Hunger causes gyro daydreams during work meetings, and then impulsive consumption of candy for relief. If we do not receive the love, attention and intimacy we crave, then we turn to pornography in a desperate attempt to get these needs met.
Use the list below to reflect on your emotional needs. Explore what each need means to you and what it looks like when this need is fully met.
Then ask yourself, what emotional needs are not being fully met right now? What void is pornography filling? How effectively is pornography satisfying these needs? What are other ways to get this need met?
Sign 2 | Losing Time
What it looks like
You didn’t plan on staying up all night, time just got away from you. One video turned into twenty or fifty, then you lost count. Now it’s 4 AM. Your heart races as you scramble to get ready for work. You leave your watch on the table and forget to pack lunch. Sleep deprived and on edge, you struggle to hide your irritable mood and make it through the day.
“Pornography really messed up my life in a lot of ways. Some people deny it and say, ‘Hey man you can’t really be addicted to pornography, there’s no way.’ But I’ll tell you something: if day turns into night and you’re still watching, you probably got a problem. And that was me.”
-Terry Crews
Why it happens
An intense urge to meet an insatiable need is at the core of addiction. Fed by the haunting lie of “just one more…,” compulsive behaviors hijack the psyche and persist without relief or reward. Giving into the urge leads to trance-like state where time doesn’t exist. Just like a problem gambler refuses to leave the casino, a problem porn user remains glued to a screen. While completely absorbed in our behavior of choice, we may miss out on sleep, neglect responsibilities and abandon basic hygiene.
What you can do
Keep an Internet log to collect data and gain insight on behavior patterns. Once you understand your habits, consider setting limits for yourself. Since pornography is frequently viewed between 12AM — 4AM, you may decide to put all electronics away by midnight.
Use an Internet use log to track time spent on (1) social media, games, and other unproductive activities, (2) work, finances, and other essential tasks, (3) self-help, and other positive or educational resources, (4) sexually arousing but non-pornographic content, and (5) sexually explicit material.
What patterns do you notice? How much of your Internet use is sexually motivated?
Build structure by planning ahead. A healthy routine with a well-balanced range of activities goes a long way. As the saying goes, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”
Take a moment to create a daily and weekly schedule. Keep in mind the times and days you usually view pornography. Consider scheduling other activities for high-risk time frames. Plan ahead and make sure your days do not end with you behind a screen!
Create a manageable to-do list to stay focused and build momentum. If pornography is eating your time, then consider what else is being left behind. Getting started on these tasks is the hardest part. Each step forward releases dopamine —rewarding you with a pleasurable feeling to naturally increase motivation.
Take a deep breath and bring to mind one thing you have been putting off. How can you breakdown this task into smaller parts? Remember, starting small is key to gaining momentum. Take action on what you can do right now. Then, reward yourself!
Sign 3 | Emotional Numbness
What it looks like
Life feels dull, flat and empty. There is no joy or sadness. Without fears of failure or concerns about the future, complacency takes over. There is no motivation for growth and change. Unable to appreciate the value of relationships, you skip out on social events to watch porn instead.
“How nice — to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.” — Kurt Vonnegut
Why it happens
Relying on pornography to self-soothe may escalate to a blunting of all feelings. Sexual fantasy can distort perceptions and reinforce expectations for perfection. Emotional detachment and unrealistically high standards makes us cold and critical. Empathy deficits and entitlement makes emotional intimacy impossible. The superficial connections leaves us longing for meaning.
What you can do
Use a cost-benefit analysis to understand your motivations for change. Experiencing emotions isn’t always pleasant. There is a reason why you are numbing your feelings. Any previous depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms will likely resurface when you stop self-medicating with pornography. Closely examine the pros and cons to resolve inner-conflict.
Brainstorm the pros and cons for (1) fully experiencing your emotions and (2) numbing your emotions. Reflect on your personal values as you consider the importance of each item on your list.
Practice daily check-ins to reconnect with your emotions. When numbness is the norm, any feeling can be uncomfortable and confusing. Simply identifying and labeling emotions reduces their intensity. With practice, tolerance builds and emotions become more manageable.
Set aside time each day to ask yourself:
How does my body feel? What sensations do I notice? What emotions am I experiencing? Are there any emotions beneath this feeling that I can recognize right now? What is causing these emotions? Is my response appropriate given the situation? Why or why not? What thoughts or worries are leading me to feel this way? What outcomes do I fear? What would I like to achieve? What is it that I want or need in this moment?
Strengthen connections to others. Pornography superficially satisfies the human need for love and belonging. Eventually neglecting relationships catches up to us. We experience suffering, emptiness, and lack of purpose. The longer we isolate, the harder it is to reconnect.
Explore the benefits of investing in your relationships as well as your resistance to doing so.
Consider practicing active listening to improve social skills. Use the powers of observation to figure out how someone in your life is feeling, thinking, or what they may be experiencing. Notice body language and word choice. Use a non-judgmental approach. Ask questions, listen intently, and verbally summarize what you hear.
The take away
Pornography appeals to our basic human needs. It can be helpful, harmful, or neutral — depending on the person and situation. Many negative effects are indirect and not widely discussed. Recognizing the signs allows for a proactive, thoughtful and individualized approach to regulate personal use. Understanding why these effects happen reduces stigma and shame, which are major risk factors for mental health problems and self-destructive behaviors. Knowing a few well-established strategies offers a starting point for productive action.
Strategies are tools shown to be helpful for some people. We are all different — something that works for me may not work for you and vice versa. My goal is to provide a range of tools for you to (1) try out, (2) evaluate results, and then (3) keep, modify, or discard.
Share your thoughts
- What surprised you in this article? What didn’t?
- What resonated with you?
- Any signs you disagree with? Any I missed?
- What strategies did you try? How did they work for you?
Thanks for reading!
- W
This content is intended for informational purposes, and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, therapy or treatment.
